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Gaslit - Someone lighting your fire?


Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation tactic where someone tries to make you doubt your reality, memory, or perceptions. The term originates from the 1944 film "Gaslight," where a husband systematically manipulates his wife into thinking she's losing her mind. In today’s world, gaslighting can occur in various relationships—personal, professional, or even societal—and it can have profound effects on one’s mental and emotional well-being.


What Is Gaslighting?


Gaslighting involves a person (the gaslighter) exerting control over another by distorting their sense of reality. This can take many forms, such as denying events that happened, twisting facts, or dismissing someone’s feelings and concerns as irrational or overreactive. The goal of the gaslighter is often to gain power or deflect blame, making the victim question their own experiences and potentially their sanity.


Over time, repeated gaslighting can erode a person’s self-esteem, causing them to become increasingly dependent on the gaslighter for a sense of reality. The victim might start to internalize the manipulator’s version of events, leading to confusion, self-doubt, and emotional distress.


Managing the Feelings Generated by Gaslighting


Dealing with the emotions that arise from gaslighting can be challenging. The experience often leaves one feeling vulnerable, confused, and isolated. However, it’s crucial to remember that you have control over your emotional responses, even in the face of manipulation.

Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” is particularly relevant when dealing with gaslighting. This quote underscores the importance of recognizing that while someone may try to manipulate your feelings, you ultimately have the power to decide how much influence their actions have over you.


Understanding the Psychological Aspects


  1. Recognize the Manipulation: The first step in managing the effects of gaslighting is to recognize it for what it is—manipulation. Awareness is key. Understanding that someone is intentionally trying to distort your reality helps you distance yourself from the emotional turmoil they’re trying to create.

  2. Ground Yourself in Truth: Gaslighting thrives on confusion and self-doubt. To counter this, ground yourself in facts. Keep a journal of events as they happen, noting down what you said, how you felt, and what actually occurred. This practice can serve as a powerful tool to reaffirm your perceptions and help you resist the gaslighter’s attempts to distort reality.


However, it’s important to recognize that not all feedback is manipulative and, therefore, gaslighting. There is a crucial distinction between someone who is genuinely providing candid and objective feedback and someone who is trying to manipulate your perception of reality. Candid feedback, even when it’s critical, is often aimed at helping you grow or improve and is rooted in concern or honesty. It should be specific, constructive, and based on observable facts, not on distorting reality or undermining your self-worth.


To separate genuine feedback from gaslighting:


  • Evaluate the Intent: Consider whether the person offering feedback has a history of supporting your growth and well-being. Are they consistently constructive and fair in their criticism, or do they frequently try to make you doubt yourself?

  • Look for Patterns: Gaslighting tends to be part of a broader pattern of manipulation, where the feedback is less about your development and more about controlling or undermining you. Genuine feedback is often isolated to specific incidents, whereas gaslighting is systematic.

  • Seek a Second Opinion: If you’re unsure, discussing the feedback with a trusted colleague or friend can help you determine whether it’s constructive criticism or an attempt to manipulate you. An objective third party can provide clarity and help you see the situation more clearly.


By distinguishing between genuine feedback and manipulative tactics, you can better ground yourself in truth and avoid unnecessary self-doubt. This discernment is key in managing your emotions effectively and ensuring that you remain resilient in the face of potential gaslighting.


  1. Manage Your Emotions: It’s natural to feel anger, frustration, or sadness when you realize someone is trying to manipulate you. However, managing these emotions is crucial. Rather than reacting impulsively, take a step back. Breathe deeply, and give yourself time to process what’s happening. Remember that reacting in anger can often play into the gaslighter’s hands, reinforcing their narrative that you are irrational or overly emotional.


  1. Don’t Revert to Past Stories: Our past experiences often shape how we perceive and respond to current situations. When being gaslighted, it’s easy to fall into the trap of old narratives—stories of past betrayals or self-doubt. However, it’s important to recognize that these are just stories, not the reality of the present situation. By consciously choosing to stay in the present and not revert to these past narratives, you can maintain clarity and prevent the gaslighter from leveraging your history against you.


  1. Let Feelings Pass Through You: Negative emotions can be overwhelming, but holding onto them only allows the gaslighter’s influence to persist. Instead, acknowledge your feelings without judgment. Understand that emotions, like waves, will rise and fall. Allow them to pass through you without clinging to them. This practice can help you maintain emotional equilibrium and prevent the gaslighter from having a lasting impact on your mental state.


Stepping into your Power


Ultimately, dealing with gaslighting is about reclaiming your power. It’s about understanding that while others may try to manipulate you, they cannot control how you feel or perceive yourself unless you allow it. By managing your emotions, staying grounded in the truth, and not reverting to old, unhelpful narratives, you can navigate the challenges of gaslighting with resilience and strength.


Eleanor Roosevelt’s wisdom reminds us that we are in control of our self-worth. No matter how much someone tries to undermine us, it’s our consent that determines whether or not they succeed. By internalizing this principle, you can protect your mental health and maintain a strong sense of self, even in the face of manipulative behavior.


While gaslighting can be a disorienting and painful experience, you have the tools to manage its impact. By recognizing the manipulation, grounding yourself in truth, and allowing your emotions to pass through without holding onto them, you can emerge from these encounters with your self-esteem intact and your mind clear. Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent—empower yourself with this knowledge, and let it guide you in overcoming the effects of gaslighting.


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