We each carry burdens of the past. For some, their “backpack” is light and affords great mobility and agility and, for others, the backpack is heavy and cumbersome, creating a weight that cannot be supported. Your past has a cumulative effect on your well-being, self-esteem, and overall trajectory. Our families’ past actions, beliefs, or practices create a burden or a blessing.
Much like the roots of a tree, our families’ history, actions, and behaviors impact the foundation, growth and development of our future generations. The tree that has strong roots produces healthy branches while also promoting an ecosystem that has impacts on a larger community. The robust and healthy tree provides over 260 lbs. of oxygen in a year, can absorb as much carbon as a car produces in driving 26k miles, and can absorb 1 ton of carbon in a lifetime! This single tree also provides a habitat for wildlife, water cycle management, food production, nutrient cycling, air filtration, and builds climate resistance.
What inhibits the healthy growth of the tree? Soil compaction, mechanical injury, competition, pollution, contamination, pests, vandalism, abuse, and neglect. Hmmm, sounds eerily similar to the disruptive forces we face as human beings…
Our families’ “roots” impacts who we are as people, whether we like it or not. You may consider your family a blessing or consider them a burden in lieu of the traits, behaviors, and beliefs they’ve passed down. The Bible sums it up well in Exodus 34:7 proclaiming that God “[visits] the iniquity of the fathers on the children and the children's children, to the third and the fourth generation.”
We share physical characteristics of height, weight, hair color, and complexion with our family. In the same way, certain types of curses pass from generation to generation. This is particularly true of addictive behaviors such as disordered eating, self-harm, pornography addiction, substance abuse (drug and alcohol), gambling addiction, compulsive shopping, etc. However, none of this should be viewed in terms of an irreversible mold.
Breaking the Mold
We are not bound by the actions, beliefs, genetics, or behavioral patterns of our ancestry. You have been endowed with an amazingly adaptable and resilient mind, body, and spirt. We each have the have the power of choice to build a new legacy by destroying each and every thing that has exercised a level of control over you. YOU have the power to take your power back!
From personal experience, I recognize this isn’t easy, and certainly don’t consider myself an expert. I’ve come to realize change requires a delicate mix of truth, grace, and time to enact positive change. Here are a handful of practical ways I employed to take my own power back and realize a greater potential:
Identify the pattern. In some cases, you may need external help. Working with and through the right professionals is a powerful step. I’ve worked with pastors, therapists, counselors, and doctors to help draw knowledge, strength, and support. Having a safe place to unpack the past is a critical first step.
Live in present – Regardless of our past, we can create a better future by taking things one day at a time – one moment – one interaction – one breath. We may not have the power to change the past but we can be deliberate about the decisions of the present. Step into the untapped reservoir of your adaptability and resilience to move you forward.
Forgive not forget – Holding onto anger, resentment, and bitterness only pollutes the host. Not forgetting creates a protection mechanism around us so that we avoid repeating and acts as a safeguard to remove us as a potential “target” from future negative or abusive situations.
Cause over Condition – When an emotion envelopes you, seek the root cause of the feeling that may be holding you captive. There is a deeper internal narrative you’re playing in the milliseconds of an interaction. That narrative, or story you’re telling yourself, creates the emotion you’re experiencing. What’s the story you’re telling yourself in that millisecond? Is it true? Is it real? Jealousy, insecurity, anger, and even physical disease are all symptoms. Look beneath the symptom and identify the underlying narrative you’ve told yourself to identify the root.
Connect – Maybe you’re in a committed relationship, have a group of close and trusted friends, or have children… Keep open the possibility of sharing your journey and how they might support you. Let your community come around you to listen and help you process your emotions, and invite them to provide the needed love, support, and empathy to press on. Providing context to those in your trusted circles may encourage more empathy, grace, and patience in support of you. We are wired for connection.
Establish healthy boundaries – Deliberate boundaries and reasonable discipline within your head, heart, hands, and habits can enable greater freedoms. Practicing mindfulness in what you consume (mind, body, and spirit), who you associate with, what voices you listen to, and the habits you’re engaged in will help guide you on the journey.
Each of us has an opportunity to write a new story. Your new story has the power to create healthier ecosystems within our relationships, families, communities, and society. Our past does not need to define us but rather provides each of us powerful lessons to refine us.
Here’s a great inspirational quote from a favorite philosopher: “If one advances confidently in the direction of their dreams, and endeavors to live a life which they have imagined, they will be met with a success unexpected in common hours. They will pass through an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within them; and they will live with the license of a higher order of beings.” Henry David Thoreau
I encourage you to seek the help that is best for you and break the chains of your past and create your new story. Here’s to 2022, may you experience the enormity of your potential!
Shel
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